How Far Have You Come?

Every now and then I think it's important to take a look at where you came from.  See how far (or not so far) you've come.  Are you miles along on your journey, light years, or just right down the street from where you started?  Have you gone anywhere at all?

I'm only 15.6 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest point which was about two years ago.  Only 3.8 pounds lighter than when I started this blog, three years ago.  If that's all you look at, I haven't gone far at all, which is rather depressing.  Let's look a little deeper though.

I'm still wearing my size 16 clothes, and my size 16 wardrobe has expanded over the past three years.  However, my size 16's didn't become 18's or 20's.

I don't call in "fat" to work anymore.  Calling in fat, for those who don't know is when you feign sickness because you can't find anything appropriate to wear to work that fits, or at least doesn't make you feel like Jabba the Hut in Leia's bikini.  This also entails a day of lying in bed crying, falling into a pit of despair and depression, then leaving the house and returning home at your normal time so you can lie to Dearest about calling in to work.

Yes.  I did that.  More than once.

I don't sneak food... as much as I used to.  I won't lie, I still do it now and then.  I know this will most likely be a life long battle for me.

I don't go to the pastry shop and buy two long johns, a custard donut, and two cupcakes and then eat them in one sitting on the couch watching movies while Dearest is out of town.  I also don't eat an entire mixed dozen of Krispy Kreme.  The temptation is still there though.

I've learned to not only eat salads (now and then) but to enjoy them.  In fact I order them in place of a side dish whenever possible.  Maybe one day I'll be able to make a salad the focus of my meal without fear of being hungry again an hour later.

I can make it through my work nights without getting winded.

I can run.  Not only can I run, I can run a mile and a half without stopping.  When I was in school and we had to run a mile for our fitness test I was always at the end of the pack if not the very last.  I would walk the straight parts of the track and lumber through a jog on the turns... and only because the coach made me.

I rely less on hamburger helper, mainly because our income stream has increased, but also because I've learned to cook on my own.

I've learned to love myself the way I am instead of giving in to self-loathing.  Yes I still want to be skinny, I still want a healthier life, but I'm committed to getting there the right way and I'm okay with who I am along the way.

Exercise is still hard for me, but I'm slowly starting to love it.  I love the satisfaction of seeing my miles add up.  I love the outlet it gives me.  I love that I'm starting to realize that instead of sitting on the couch eating mindlessly because I'm bored or lazy that I have the ability to go for a run instead.

So yeah, maybe I haven't lost much weight in the past three years but I have lost a lot of depression, self-loathing, doubt and guilt.  I've also gained.  I've gained confidence, acceptance, and patience.

I want to thank the ones who keep me on track, who encourage and provide inspiration.  Every one of you whether you know it or not inspire me to keep gaining the good stuff and losing bad.

So when you've got a minute ask yourself - how far have you come?