Personal Wellness Profile - Well Duh

Where I work we have an opportunity to participate in a wellness program.  They provide rewards in the form of points that you earn from healthy activities and exercise.  You can then trade in the points for "stuff".  Ink pens, water bottles, bags, chess sets - all kinds of oddly random items.  Every year during your birthday month you fill out a wellness profile, which is then examined and returned to you approximately two months later.  I received my wellness report this week and thought I would share the findings with you, along with some helpful interpretation.

Apparently my overall wellness score - which includes health, nutrition, BMI, stress levels, substance abuse, and general safety is a 49 out of a 100.  I "need improvement".  Well duh.  That's no surprise.

Fitness (exercise):  50
 *special note:  You need to work on your abs.  (*pokes gut*  You don't say?)  You are over your recommended weight if you need help talk to a nutritionist.  

Heart Health:  64
 * special note:  Tell your boyfriend to get off his ass and stop smoking, he's ruining your score with second hand smoke.

Blood Tests:  ?
 * Special note:  Idiot why didn't you have your blood drawn like we told you to?

Nutrition:  20
 *special note: Your current eating habits suck.  "Caution your score went down from last year's 48".  Stop raiding the vending machines for dinner.

Body Composition:  23
 *special note:  Your BMI may kill you.   Soon.

Substance Abuse:  74
 *Special Note:  Again with the smoker boyfriend.  It doesn't matter that you make him smoke outdoors and spit and sputter if smoke flies in your face.

Stress and Coping:  83
  *special note:  You're awesomely cool.  We can say that because we've never experienced your road rage.  Way to go.

Safety:  89
  *Special note:  Make someone else lift those heavy boxes for you and lock up your guns so a visitor doesn't accidentally shoot you when they mistake it for the pepper shaker.

Cancer Risk:  49
  *special note:  We can tell from last year's profile that you lied.  Bad Sooze.

Osteoporosis:  73
  *special note:  Well you're a woman.  You just can't get a perfect score here.  Sorry.

Health Age: 24.6  (Actual age 27)
  *special note:  You could be as young as 21.2 - you should try it.  Eat your breakfast.  It'll happen.

Medical Follow-up

Leading factors to possible death:
1. Cancer
2. Heart Disease
3. Car accident
4. HIV and/or AIDS
5. Suicide/Homicide

Yes I'm well aware that I most likely have at minimum a 95% chance of having some form of cancer in my life.  I've accepted that.  The sooner my doctor accepts it and stops telling me I'm a nut bag hypochondriac my stress score will get even better.

Maybe I'm not as worried about heart disease as I should be.  It's taken a backseat to cancer.

Car accident?  Been there done that.  Thankfully survived with only minor physical scarring.  We won't go into the psychological scarring.  There's a reason I always have a book with me when I'm riding in the car.

HIV and AIDS are two scary things that I like to put in the surreal category.  However I realize that the chances are not so surreal.  Especially since I work in the hospital.  Two doctors were having this coversation on the way in to work today.
 
I find it curious that they lump suicide and homicide into the same group.  Hum. 

Alrighty.  So now we know - I'm going to go get a glass of water and make a mental note that I have two donuts to burn off on my run tomorrow.   Scary as it is - this year's score was an improvement over last year's.