Rock Bottom: A Moment of Realization

I've had a weight problem ever since I started third grade. I used to stay with my grandmother after school and she would feed my brother and I, because that's what grandmothers do. Then my mother came home and would cook us dinner, when we had just eaten meal sized snacks two hours before. She recognized the problem and would tell us to eat less, and ask us every day what we had for 'snack'. That's when I started feeling guilty about food. I'd either conveniently forget to tell her everything I ate, or fib about my proportions. As I grew up I became a "sneaker" I'd sneak food when no one was around, or I'd sneak into the kitchen for a snack. If no one saw me eat it... it didn't count.


Fast-foward about 10 years. I'm a senior in high school and I've started the Slim Fast diet. I've lost a good 15 - 20 pounds or so and started dating my first real boyfriend (who was severly overweight himself). He was a friend who one day happened to turn into my boyfriend.. funny how that happens sometimes. At that point I was going to the gym some and he felt guilty that I was trying to better myself and he knew he needed to as well. That, is how I created a monster of him. I unknowningly turned him into a vein, obsessed person who couldn't walk by any reflective object without stopping to take a look at himself. Granted, he did lose 100 pounds and became much healthier and through his motivation I also lost about 50 pounds. Things ended badly though, we broke up after 3 or 4 years and I slowly started putting the weight back on. Three years later I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life.

I reluctantly stepped on the scale at my parent's house last week and to my shock saw I had crept up to 185.5 pounds. I'm 5'4" and 24 years old. I was lying in my bed a few days later (because I don't have the energy to do much else these days) and I realized - I'm only 15 pounds away from weighing in at 200 lbs. I almost cried. I know there are people out there who have more to lose than I do, but that mark for me is unimaginable. I'm disgusted with myself, none of my clothes fit and the few I can still get on look bad and are getting worn out. I've refused to buy larger clothes but I gave in the other day. I bought a pair of size 16 pants and two extra-large shirts. That was one of the most depressing shopping trips I've ever had.

I've hit my rock bottom, crossed the line. It's time to do something about my weight.

In the past I've joined Weight Watchers twice, joined three different gyms, taken belly dancing, tried The Zone diet, a custom "40-40-20 split" diet, the slim-fast diet, and the don't eat diet. I lost weight on all of them. I know I can lose it again... but what can I do to keep it off this time??? For good?

I've decided to start the Weight Watchers program again, but I didn't re-join. I talked to my mother, who also wants to lose some weight and we made a pact to be each other's support system. Today is day eight, and this morning I had what other weight watchers call a "non-scale victory" I got into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear in three months. They're still a bit snug, but I got them buttoned and zipped without any ridiculous tricks. I haven't weighed yet to see what my loss is, but from previous sneek peeks throughout the week I'd imagine it's somewhere between 2-5 lbs. A lot of it in the beginning will be water weight because I have a very hard time drinking water.. or anything for that matter really.

I'm proud, I've successfully completed my first week in changing my health and my lifestyle. I titled this blog "The Journey Provides the Destination" to remind me that little steps matter, every day matters, it may take longer than I want it to but if I improve my journey, I'll have a better, healthier destination.