Getting Over the Hummph

"If we don't find positive things, maybe we should examine what it is we're looking for".
-- Christy Jordan


I think it's time for some re-examination, what am I looking for?

I'm in a ginormous slump here so in order to get out I think I need to remind myself of why I should.

I'm obsessed with food.  It's a contant battle for me.  I love food.  I love thinking about it, seeing it, eating it, planning new combinations and learning how to cook new things.  I also use it for comfort.  I'm bored - I eat.  I'm sad - I eat.  I'm happy - I eat.  I even use it as an aphrodesiac.  There is nothing that will put me in the mood more than a good meal complete with a cocktail and dessert.  I use food to show my love and appreciation of others, and they do the same for me.  I've even eaten so much food before out of boredom that it's come back up.  My body literally said hey - no way, there's no more room, this stuff has got to go out!  Back out the way you came!

I'm not really discriminatory in my love of food either.  I love healthy food, and junky food too.  I do tend to lean towards easy and cheap, which of course, is generally less healthy.  This is simply due to a combination of time and budget restraints.

I don't despise exercise.  I love the way it makes me feel afterwards.  I love the rush of endorphins, the feeling of accomplishment, feeling stronger and the feeling of sweating out toxins and the day's stress.  I do however, despise the way my lack of self confidence combined with my social anxieties makes me feel before and during exercise. 

A long, long time ago I used to be not a mere gym rat, but a gym queen.  I was completely confortable to not only work out alone, but to work out with the really hot sweaty guys - because I knew I could.  I loved seeing their eyes pop out of their head when they realized I not only could keep up with them I could beat some of them (on leg day at least).  Nowadays, I'm back to my plump shy self who can barely even remember what a workout routine is.

I'm always dehydrated, simply because I hate drinking water.  I don't like it plain, with lemon or lime,with crystal light or even gatorade mixed in.  I like the bubble sting and burn of my diet pepsi.  Until I get burnt out on sweet soda that is.  Then I just may spring for a couple of bottles of Sobe Life Water - if they're on 99 cent special that is.

I'm always tired, beat down and exausted.  I used to not feel this way all the time, and*that* for me, is the kicker.  It's not how fluffy I look in the mirror, how grossed out I am when I see my rolls through my t-shirts in my reflection in a passing window.  It's that I can't go up and down my stairs at home more than once in a five minute period without feeling like I have to sit down.  Feeling like I always want to take a nap.  Knowing that the reason we've put off going hiking for two years is because I don't have the endurance to keep up with Dearest.  THAT is why instead of getting another honeybun out of the vending machine today I went to the cafeteria and got a salad with fat free dressing and a yogurt cup.  THAT is why I AM going to get more fruits and vegetables in my diet.  THAT is why I'm going to try my darndest to re-evaluate my reasons for stuffing things in my mouth before they they get there.

I can't promise every day is going to be perfect because I know it won't be.  It will never be, and that's okay.  I am going to promise myself that I'm worth feeling better than this, that I'm worth feeling my age - not ten years older than I really am.  So even when it feels like no one else thinks so, I know I am worth this and I'm done with people making me think otherwise.  So there.  Hummph.

How Far Have You Come?

Every now and then I think it's important to take a look at where you came from.  See how far (or not so far) you've come.  Are you miles along on your journey, light years, or just right down the street from where you started?  Have you gone anywhere at all?

I'm only 15.6 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest point which was about two years ago.  Only 3.8 pounds lighter than when I started this blog, three years ago.  If that's all you look at, I haven't gone far at all, which is rather depressing.  Let's look a little deeper though.

I'm still wearing my size 16 clothes, and my size 16 wardrobe has expanded over the past three years.  However, my size 16's didn't become 18's or 20's.

I don't call in "fat" to work anymore.  Calling in fat, for those who don't know is when you feign sickness because you can't find anything appropriate to wear to work that fits, or at least doesn't make you feel like Jabba the Hut in Leia's bikini.  This also entails a day of lying in bed crying, falling into a pit of despair and depression, then leaving the house and returning home at your normal time so you can lie to Dearest about calling in to work.

Yes.  I did that.  More than once.

I don't sneak food... as much as I used to.  I won't lie, I still do it now and then.  I know this will most likely be a life long battle for me.

I don't go to the pastry shop and buy two long johns, a custard donut, and two cupcakes and then eat them in one sitting on the couch watching movies while Dearest is out of town.  I also don't eat an entire mixed dozen of Krispy Kreme.  The temptation is still there though.

I've learned to not only eat salads (now and then) but to enjoy them.  In fact I order them in place of a side dish whenever possible.  Maybe one day I'll be able to make a salad the focus of my meal without fear of being hungry again an hour later.

I can make it through my work nights without getting winded.

I can run.  Not only can I run, I can run a mile and a half without stopping.  When I was in school and we had to run a mile for our fitness test I was always at the end of the pack if not the very last.  I would walk the straight parts of the track and lumber through a jog on the turns... and only because the coach made me.

I rely less on hamburger helper, mainly because our income stream has increased, but also because I've learned to cook on my own.

I've learned to love myself the way I am instead of giving in to self-loathing.  Yes I still want to be skinny, I still want a healthier life, but I'm committed to getting there the right way and I'm okay with who I am along the way.

Exercise is still hard for me, but I'm slowly starting to love it.  I love the satisfaction of seeing my miles add up.  I love the outlet it gives me.  I love that I'm starting to realize that instead of sitting on the couch eating mindlessly because I'm bored or lazy that I have the ability to go for a run instead.

So yeah, maybe I haven't lost much weight in the past three years but I have lost a lot of depression, self-loathing, doubt and guilt.  I've also gained.  I've gained confidence, acceptance, and patience.

I want to thank the ones who keep me on track, who encourage and provide inspiration.  Every one of you whether you know it or not inspire me to keep gaining the good stuff and losing bad.

So when you've got a minute ask yourself - how far have you come?