Hiding but not from food

I know I've been completely MIA for a while.  Don't worry it's not because I've fallen off the wagon (completely).  I'm not stuffing myself with pastries watching sappy chick flicks on the couch all hours of the night (yet).

Some recent events have caused me to turn into myself for awhile, so while it would probably be more beneficial for me to write about it instead I feel instead like keeping it deep inside.  For now.

I've also come to the realization that anything I say or do may once again be held against me.  Hopefully soon I'll be able to go into more detail, but for now that's all I can give.

So while I may be missing for a while, don't worry I'll still be checking in on everyone.

--Sooze

Who Let In the Fat Kid?

Whoa nelly!

Okay, the fat kid came out to play last night.  She's been knocking on my door all week and I finally gave in.  This week has been a tough one.  Dearest left to go out of town for two weeks (with no available contact) and I averaged maybe three hours of sleep a night.  Due to unforeseen circumstances I wound up working a double shift (my normal shift is ten hours) and going from second shift to third shift back to second shift.  Needless to say I'm still not sure what day it is.

All week I survived solely on caffeine and sugar. oh and fast food.  *YIKES*

I haven't gone within three feet of the bathroom scale.

I know I'm horribly dehydrated because all I drank was soda and various energy drinks.  I also reunited with Little Debbie.  Oh the horror.  I've also been spending lots of quality time with "John".  You know, the porcelain one.

I've felt horrible the past few days, I even called in sick tonight.  I've worked there for over a year and have never missed a day, never even taken a vacation day.  The combination of lack of sleep, both from over working, crazy shifts and from over caffeination along with the sudden influx of sugar equals the feeling of being poo spread on melba toast.

So today I alternated trips to visit John with quality bed time.  However, I woke up once to realize the dog had pushed me over and had taken over my pillow.  Greedy animal.

I haven't told you the really fat part though.

Feeling so cruddy starts a cycle for me.  So when I got off work I decided to go to the grocery store.  I've been having some issues with a very dry nose and was going to pick up some vaseline - you know what else jumped into my cart? ....

A twelve pack of mini one bite cupcakes.

Oh and a box of macaroni which I put back once to look for a bigger size, then picked back up.

...and some bananas - okay that wasn't so painful.

The Bryers ice cream I struggled with.  Should I get coffee fudge brownie or Heath?  That one took a good five minutes and I'm still not sure what I wound up with.

I came home, decimated all but three of the cupcakes (which I polished off for breakfast along with a bowl of golden grahams by the way) and a small frozen party pizza while watching t.v. episodes on Hulu.

Holy crap how did the fat kid get in the door?!?

So today, while getting dressed I noticed I look like a duck.  All the bloating, the lethargy, the crankiness, I think it's time for a detox.  It's time to kick the fat kid out and let the door hit her on her very padded ass on the way out.

Anyone have any detox suggestions?

BYOC *Bring Your Own Craziness*

Okay - *technically* it's still Friday, for another 28 minutes!

BYOC - we get to know each other better and we get a free blog topic for our fried brains! Join in if you want and ENJOY!




1. What is your favorite genre of movies? (comedy/romance/horror/action)

Romantic comedies -yeah I'm a girl.  Hello.  Can't watch scary movies alone and they bore dearest.  I like thrillers too though, something with a bit of a twist (like Inception - that one was good).

2. What do you order when you eat Chinese food?


Depends on my mood, but as a general rule Chicken Lomein and an egg roll, love the steamed dumplings too but that's a lot of food... and I WILL eat it all if I order it.


3. Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?


I personally wouldn't do it.  I am a very monogamous person.  When I'm in a relationship with someone I have a hard time with the idea of being with someone else, even if the relationship is going badly.  (Wiring flaw perhaps).  That being said, I have friends that do it - if it floats your boat then hey I'm in no position to judge.


4. Let's go back to a repeat question. Pick one thing you'll do next week that is for your physical/mental health.

Well I finally got back into running this past week, I'd like to keep that up while I'm working this week.  If nothing else I plan to get in some DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) time and get 8 hours of sleep a night.



5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

(Where did my sandwich go?  Did I eat it all already?  This is why I shouldn't eat and blog simultaniously..)

*ahem*

This Is How It Is - Jack Sh*t - a nice reminder with simple truths.

and all of  my encouraging comments about getting back into the running game.  Thanks guys!

How Far Have You Come?

Every now and then I think it's important to take a look at where you came from.  See how far (or not so far) you've come.  Are you miles along on your journey, light years, or just right down the street from where you started?  Have you gone anywhere at all?

I'm only 15.6 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest point which was about two years ago.  Only 3.8 pounds lighter than when I started this blog, three years ago.  If that's all you look at, I haven't gone far at all, which is rather depressing.  Let's look a little deeper though.

I'm still wearing my size 16 clothes, and my size 16 wardrobe has expanded over the past three years.  However, my size 16's didn't become 18's or 20's.

I don't call in "fat" to work anymore.  Calling in fat, for those who don't know is when you feign sickness because you can't find anything appropriate to wear to work that fits, or at least doesn't make you feel like Jabba the Hut in Leia's bikini.  This also entails a day of lying in bed crying, falling into a pit of despair and depression, then leaving the house and returning home at your normal time so you can lie to Dearest about calling in to work.

Yes.  I did that.  More than once.

I don't sneak food... as much as I used to.  I won't lie, I still do it now and then.  I know this will most likely be a life long battle for me.

I don't go to the pastry shop and buy two long johns, a custard donut, and two cupcakes and then eat them in one sitting on the couch watching movies while Dearest is out of town.  I also don't eat an entire mixed dozen of Krispy Kreme.  The temptation is still there though.

I've learned to not only eat salads (now and then) but to enjoy them.  In fact I order them in place of a side dish whenever possible.  Maybe one day I'll be able to make a salad the focus of my meal without fear of being hungry again an hour later.

I can make it through my work nights without getting winded.

I can run.  Not only can I run, I can run a mile and a half without stopping.  When I was in school and we had to run a mile for our fitness test I was always at the end of the pack if not the very last.  I would walk the straight parts of the track and lumber through a jog on the turns... and only because the coach made me.

I rely less on hamburger helper, mainly because our income stream has increased, but also because I've learned to cook on my own.

I've learned to love myself the way I am instead of giving in to self-loathing.  Yes I still want to be skinny, I still want a healthier life, but I'm committed to getting there the right way and I'm okay with who I am along the way.

Exercise is still hard for me, but I'm slowly starting to love it.  I love the satisfaction of seeing my miles add up.  I love the outlet it gives me.  I love that I'm starting to realize that instead of sitting on the couch eating mindlessly because I'm bored or lazy that I have the ability to go for a run instead.

So yeah, maybe I haven't lost much weight in the past three years but I have lost a lot of depression, self-loathing, doubt and guilt.  I've also gained.  I've gained confidence, acceptance, and patience.

I want to thank the ones who keep me on track, who encourage and provide inspiration.  Every one of you whether you know it or not inspire me to keep gaining the good stuff and losing bad.

So when you've got a minute ask yourself - how far have you come?

Watch Out Dust Bunnies!

Saturday I laced up my running shoes and tweeted "this two month sabbatical is about to be dust".

What sparked that you ask?  Well that would be standing in my closet looking for something to wear that I didn't make me feel like a stuffed sausage.  Instead of griping and moaning and tearing my closet apart for something to wear I promptly put on my running shorts and t-shirt.

Yes sir.  I did about two miles on Saturday.  I ran for 15 minutes and a little over a mile without stopping.  I was totally satisfied with that.  I had expected some relapse in my progress.

As most of you know, my schedule is a non-schedule especially on my weeks off.  So Monday morning, I was a bit bored and decided to check and see what time sunrise was.  I had about thirty minutes so I went ahead and got dressed and ready.  I loaded up my camel-bak and stuck my head in Dearest' office and said "don't worry if I'm gone for a while, I'm going for a long one".  So a long one for me means anything 4 miles or over.  I'm still a beginner here.  I headed out the door about 6:30 a.m.

Wow.  Talk about crowded.  I typically would hit the park around lunch time or early afternoon (before it got blue blazes hot) and there were never so many people there.  I'm not a terribly social person, especially when I'm wheezing for breath bargaining with myself to keep moving.  The morning crowd is way more social than the afternoon crowd.  Kind of strange.

Anyway, I made my goal for the day.  I ran 25 minutes and 1.64 miles without stopping.  Not too shabby considering two months ago, the last time I ran I was at almost the same level.  After my 25 non stopper I decided to do a bit of walking sprinkled with a few jogs here and there bringing my total to right over three miles when I decided I was done for the morning.  I walked to my car and started unloading my camel-bak when my mom pulled in for her morning walk with her friend.

Well at this point I decided I could probably walk a little more and get to spend some time with my mom.  Holy molies these women walk about as fast as I jog.  No kidding.  So that tacked on another two miles for a grand total of 5.52 for the day.  I felt pretty darn good about that.  Definitely the longest outing I've had so far.  I also had two voicemails from Dearest when I got in the car wanting to know if I was still alive.  Silly man.

As I sit here typing I'll let you know that I'm in my running gear, waiting for the sun to come up.

The Lowdown

Okay so how did I do on my goals this week?  Well let's take a look

1.  Do something for myself every day.  - Almost every day, I even gussied up last night for a "date night" with dearest.  So I feel good about this one.  Except for that one day that I wore a thong to work.. generally bad idea.  The chaffing monster attacked full force.  Ugh.

2.  Cook more often - definite check on this one.  Lettuce wraps, linguine with home made tomato sauce,  bacon & eggs, and pizza casserole.  Whoa.

3. Drink water every day -  I drank water every day with the exception of one.  I won't say it was much water, but I did drink *some*.

4.  RUN - I didn't run on Thursday.  I slept all day during migraine recovery.  I did run Saturday.  I was in my closet trying to find something to wear.  Instead of getting frustrated and moody I put on my running shorts, laced up my shoes and ran.  I felt much better afterwards.  Then we ate cheeseburgers at Chili's.  Hah.  Well it was the only meal that day.

Overall I feel pretty good about this week.  For next week I'm going to keep these goals, work a little harder on them, master these before I move on.  Small steps.

How was your week?

BYOC Friday * Bring Your Own Craziness*

It’s time for BYOC Friday. Get to know your fellow bloggers better AND give your blogging brain a break! Enjoy!


1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion).


When I was younger I worked in a small family owned jewelry store.  It was super laid-back and I miss everything about it except the occasional boredom and the teeny tiny paychecks.  Saturdays were the best.  In the summers we would cook hamburgers and hot dogs on a little charcoal grill out back, pluck our eyebrows and give each other mani-pedis, all while getting paid.  *sigh*
2. Do you ever lie in your blog?

I don't really see the point in it really.  Okay maybe I fudged a number or two, but no I don't think so.  This blog is about me being honest with myself.  Admitting the things that I'm afraid or ashamed to admit so I can get past them and not be in denial anymore.
3. What do you wear to bed?

Well that depends on what is clean :)  In the winter I love love LOVE my victoria's secret ultra soft long sleeve tee.  I SO wish I had a short sleeved one or a tank top one for the summer.  In the summer I either go tank top & undies, or a spaghetti strap night gown.  
4. Where do you go for advice?

It depends on what the advice is on.  Generally Dearest, my mom, dad or brother. Or one of my two besties.   

5. Repeat question. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why?


Mrs. Fatass  - seeing things for the first time  This post speaks to me in so many ways, and brings back so many parts of my life that I've been through, and that I still need to go through.