A Particular Shade of Blue

It's offical.  I've been horrible this week.  Not only have I been horrible, but I've felt horrible too.  I'm also eating a Little Debbie Devil Square right now, inbetween sentences. 

My birthday was about five days ago, and I pretty much gave myself license to eat what I wished.  Well, not really.  The first night we went out I did well.  I made healthy choices.  Then dear sweet grandmother told the waitress it was my birthday.  You know what that means?  Ice cream.  Covered in chocolate deliciousness and delightful whipped cream.  The three of us split it, thankfully.

Then seeing as how my birthday coinsides with cinco de mayo, there was mexican food.  Lots of yummy cheese sauce, then my mother's strawberry cake - which a quarter of was sent home with me.  I decided if I just ate the rest of it at one sitting it would be gone - out of the way, no more temptation.  Wow.  I was really ready to puke after that.  I think that's when I started feeling super crummy. 

I got a Garmin Forunner for my birthday, which I'm excited about.  Sadly I've only used it once.  That's because I've been super duper slack and disgustingly lazy.  True story.  I think I pushed myself a little too hard on my last run to increase my speed and wound up with a very angry hamstring - just one mind you.  So I decided I needed to take an extra day to rest.  That extra day has lasted about four days now.

I've been so tired lately, probably from the enormous influx of sugars and refined carbs that I haven't been able to get myself out of bed to go run.  Dearest being gone for work hasn't helped much either.

Dearest boyfriend (who should really be more than that by now) has a job that entails him being out of town and out of reach for fourteen days at a time.  Then once he returns home he's home and off work for thirty days.  Needless to say I get a bit spoiled during those thirty days and when he leaves I get a bit.. blueish.  So does our dog, bless her heart.  You've never seen a dog who mopes as much as this one when dearest isn't there to constantly torment her.

So in whole - I've been in a pretty sour mood lately.  I even made a mental list today on the drive to work of things that bother me.  I thought maybe this would help me get to the root of my eating gorge fests. 

I think all it really proved was that I have a lot of pent up hostility when I drive... and road rage, lots of road rage.  Oh well.

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day.  Another chance for a fresh start.

Bazinga!

Week five day three - completed!  I was slow as molasses but I did it.  I ran for actually a little more than twenty minutes, non stop.  I decided I wanted to be able to say I ran a mile and a half, so I went just a little longer.  

The nice part is when my brain shuts off and I forget I'm running.  Those are the "weee" moments.  You know, when you revert just a little bit and you want to throw your hands in the air with a goofy grin on your face and go "WEEEE!"  

I'll definitely say that today was a good test of how to push myself.  ... 

                   wait wait I have to go turn the light off and type in the dark because 

                   my boyfriend just walked in the room wearing his helmet, night vision 

                   and carrying a BB Gun.  No, he's not completely insane.. maybe just

                   a little... different.  ... okay now where was I??

First Goal - Check

Okay, so I did it - I logged a total of 30 miles before my birthday, five days early in fact.  This was a good goal for me because it wasn't outlandish, it was completely doable.  It even gave me a tiny bit of wiggle room incase something happened and I had to miss a day of running, but it kept me going.  It's given me a since of accomplishment to see the miles add up.

I also completed W5D1 today.  I've been pretty leery of week five and I've had a hard time getting there.  The day I was first scheduled to start w5 I realized I hadn't downloaded it to my ipod.  The second day - yesterday I got out to the park and they were having a little league soccer tournament.  There was no where to even park, much less run undisturbed.  Today however, it all fit into place.  I chose to look at it as giving myself a little extra rest time to build up to week five.  It went just fine too.  After my second running interval I felt as if I could have gone a little longer and I was even tempted to do one last sprint during my cool down, which I didn't.. since I was after all "cooling down".

This was pretty reassuring for me, I feel like I'll be able to complete day two on Sunday.  We're not going to talk about day three yet.

So two accomplishments today!  Along with a little bit of a loss on the scale.  Which was surprising.  It's been a trying few days.  I came home Tuesday night and I won't lie.  Not only did I have a delicious grilled cheese that had swam in butter, but I also had two shots of liquor.  Tonight I had a beer.. and some delicious Mexican food.  I feel no shame though.  I hadn't eaten anything else today and you know what I've been reminded of?  We are not promised tomorrow.  So dammit if I want to drink a beer I will.  It's all about control - having one beer then water instead of three beers and then soda.

"You gotta live in the moment, 'cause that's all life is - just a series of moments".

Perspective is Everything

I woke up this morning (since I work 2nd shift morning for me is around 11 a.m. to noon) and had several voicemails and text messages on my phone.  Text messages are easiest to check, so I get to those first.. bad news.  Real bad news.  A good friend's two daughters were in a bad wreck and had been air lifted to the hospital.

After returning all of the phone calls and texts things look pretty grim for their youngest, who is twelve.  A very sad and very shocking morning.

Add that to quite a few other things I already had weighing on my mind and I was definately ready to get out and run.  Bad as it may sound I kind of like the idea of being able to run away from my thoughts.  Except I forgot to wash my miniscule workout wardrobe last night... crap.  I found my tech tee that I wore on my last run.. it's wicking fabric I reasoned.. I didn't sweat *that* much... *sniff*  it doesn't smell.. winner!  (Hey don't judge, I'm surely not the only one who's done it).  The pants.. another story.  I put on my one pair of shorts.. you know.. the ones I refuse to wear running because of my fear of them riding up and making me look like I'm wearing some kind of wierd bikini bottom complete with horrifically chafed thighs... yeah.. those.  Thankfully I've at least lost enough weight that they didn't look half bad.. standing still.

I got the the park and today was supposed to be w5d1 - except I forgot to put that podcast on my ipod.  Oops.  Oh but I have it on my itouch, which is in my bag from work - oh.. but it's dead as a doornail.... so I did another day of week four.  Oh.. and it started to rain as soon as I started running. Crap.

Not having week five may not have been a bad thing however.  I was feeling pretty anxious about this whole week five ordeal, but completing week four in record time today boosted my confidence level so I think I'll be totally ready come Thursday. 

I think this morning during my run was the only time my brain stopped chewing itself  into goo.  It was a welcome break.  So much so I wouldn't mind going for another one when I get off work.. except that it'll be pitch dark and 3 a.m.  so maybe not.  I also am not technically supposed to do that.  I guess.

Lessons of the day:

• Do more laundry. 
• Don't let dearest do it.  I had a panic attack when I thought he might have washed my dry fit tops with softener and on high heat with an inkpen in the washer (this is pretty common and apparently happened in the load with the kakis I wore to work today). 
• Also tell people you love them.  Every chance you get - you never know when it'll be the last chance you get.

I Banish Thee!!

Banish thee demon scale!!!  *groan*

Okay so I'm almost a month in.  I was hoping for a little more than five pounds to disappear.  Yes, yes you say "oh well that's still an average of a little over a pound a week".  HOGWASH!  I lost 5 pounds the first week.  Since then the scale has not budged.  It will tease up and down within a pound.

This morning I was excited when it seemed my demon scale decided to tell me I had lost a pound.

Oh How I Lov... Loathe thee

I want a jelly donut.  And mashed potatoes.  Not together mind you... just in general.  I also want my clothes to continue to fit better.  I don't care so much about the number on the scale as how my clothes fit and how my body looks and feels.  That darn jelly donut sure would taste delicious though... *sigh*

I haven't done so well with keeping up with my calories lately.  Possibly another reason why the number on the scale hasn't changed... hum..  I did eat better today though.  I didn't eat a single candy bar from the gift shop (yesterday I think I ate two... maybe three) nor did I eat a single thing out of the vending machine, or that came out of a drive thru window.  I really could go for some chick fil-a chicken strips right now too... can you tell I'm a little bit hungry?  I'm not really.  Maybe a little.  but not really.  I don't know why I'm craving so many things and I'm not even all that hungry.

I did eat a breakfast burrito this morning (homemade) and a kiwi fruit, followed by a snack of cocoa roast almonds, a banana, a protein fruit smoothie, and the ravioli from a healthy choice dinner (sans sauce) for "lunch".  Oh and a raisin bagel.  Just the bagel, no delicious cream cheese.  Roughly 1400 calories for the day.  Not too shaby.  Now if I can just keep myself from breaking from now until the time I get home and go to bed...

Tomorrow is another run day - I've been reading some other runners' blogs and I feel like a slacker only running every other day.  I know that it's important not to push myself too hard to start out though.  I know I need recovery time, and to prevent myself from burning out... but I still feel like a slacker.  I have to keep reminding myself that I am seeing progress, even though it is slow, it's still a lot more than I've seen in the past oh.. four years or so.  After my morning run tomorrow is Sunday lunch at my brother's, he's making lasagna - then it's back to work.  I am pleased that so far I've been able to still squeeze in "runs" during my on weeks at work.  I use quotation marks around the word runs because they are still more like jog/walk/granny shuffle, but the granny in me is showing a little less now.

All of a sudden I'm rather tired.  The idea of going to the grocery store now is looking less and less apealing, especially since I now know it's been raining all night, and continues to do so.  That jelly donut isn't looking as good as my bed now.  Sadly I still have to stop and get drinks for the dearest and something for him to be able to cook for himself tomorrow night while I'm at work.  When I say something for him to cook - that means in the microwave.  Just so you know.  I'm not as good as I once was - I used to get up and cook dinner at 11 a.m. and have it ready for him to eat before I left to go to work, and before he came home.  Yeah not so much anymore.  However, he now spends more time at home than I do.  This is my justification.

Wee!  Eight more minutes and I get to go home!  Er.. to the grocery store then home!  Then to bed!  Screw you jelly donut! 



....and the mashed potatoes you rode in on.

Just five more minutes...

Aw man.. it's 11 a.m. already??  I'm not ready to get up, I need to sleep some more..  but today is run day.  Week 4 Day 2 of C25K.  Just five more minutes...

Okay, okay I'm up.  I'm even dressed.  Well, I'm still putting on my socks and shoes while I check my email and my facebook... oh Kate's in a relationship now really?  ... Just five more minutes, then really I'll get out the door.

Alright, I'm at the park.  Not too crowded yet, the only other runner looks to be leaving, let's get this thing started. I'll admit that even though this is day two of week four, I'm still pretty intimidated.  Four weeks ago I couldn't run more than 30 seconds at a time.  Five whole minutes of running?  Really?  More than once?

I keep telling myself, you can do this, you've done it before.  It's only five more minutes.  It's only five more minutes of discomfort, only a total of thirty minutes today that my legs and bum will burn, that my chest will heave, that the heat from my face will fog up my sunglasses.. only five more minutes.

I did it, one more day, five more minutes.

Until next week.  That's when things get really scary.