Getting Over the Hummph

"If we don't find positive things, maybe we should examine what it is we're looking for".
-- Christy Jordan


I think it's time for some re-examination, what am I looking for?

I'm in a ginormous slump here so in order to get out I think I need to remind myself of why I should.

I'm obsessed with food.  It's a contant battle for me.  I love food.  I love thinking about it, seeing it, eating it, planning new combinations and learning how to cook new things.  I also use it for comfort.  I'm bored - I eat.  I'm sad - I eat.  I'm happy - I eat.  I even use it as an aphrodesiac.  There is nothing that will put me in the mood more than a good meal complete with a cocktail and dessert.  I use food to show my love and appreciation of others, and they do the same for me.  I've even eaten so much food before out of boredom that it's come back up.  My body literally said hey - no way, there's no more room, this stuff has got to go out!  Back out the way you came!

I'm not really discriminatory in my love of food either.  I love healthy food, and junky food too.  I do tend to lean towards easy and cheap, which of course, is generally less healthy.  This is simply due to a combination of time and budget restraints.

I don't despise exercise.  I love the way it makes me feel afterwards.  I love the rush of endorphins, the feeling of accomplishment, feeling stronger and the feeling of sweating out toxins and the day's stress.  I do however, despise the way my lack of self confidence combined with my social anxieties makes me feel before and during exercise. 

A long, long time ago I used to be not a mere gym rat, but a gym queen.  I was completely confortable to not only work out alone, but to work out with the really hot sweaty guys - because I knew I could.  I loved seeing their eyes pop out of their head when they realized I not only could keep up with them I could beat some of them (on leg day at least).  Nowadays, I'm back to my plump shy self who can barely even remember what a workout routine is.

I'm always dehydrated, simply because I hate drinking water.  I don't like it plain, with lemon or lime,with crystal light or even gatorade mixed in.  I like the bubble sting and burn of my diet pepsi.  Until I get burnt out on sweet soda that is.  Then I just may spring for a couple of bottles of Sobe Life Water - if they're on 99 cent special that is.

I'm always tired, beat down and exausted.  I used to not feel this way all the time, and*that* for me, is the kicker.  It's not how fluffy I look in the mirror, how grossed out I am when I see my rolls through my t-shirts in my reflection in a passing window.  It's that I can't go up and down my stairs at home more than once in a five minute period without feeling like I have to sit down.  Feeling like I always want to take a nap.  Knowing that the reason we've put off going hiking for two years is because I don't have the endurance to keep up with Dearest.  THAT is why instead of getting another honeybun out of the vending machine today I went to the cafeteria and got a salad with fat free dressing and a yogurt cup.  THAT is why I AM going to get more fruits and vegetables in my diet.  THAT is why I'm going to try my darndest to re-evaluate my reasons for stuffing things in my mouth before they they get there.

I can't promise every day is going to be perfect because I know it won't be.  It will never be, and that's okay.  I am going to promise myself that I'm worth feeling better than this, that I'm worth feeling my age - not ten years older than I really am.  So even when it feels like no one else thinks so, I know I am worth this and I'm done with people making me think otherwise.  So there.  Hummph.